Friday, October 9, 2009

My rearview mirror...

Today I drove home from Babies R Us and glanced back in my rearview mirror, and started crying. I've been looking in that same rearview mirror for 11 weeks now, yet today was the first day I cried. It was the prettiest sight I had ever seen...Ladybug asleep and Bubba looking at her. Whoa. The last time I remember that rushing feeling in my heart was when I drove home from the OB office a little over a year ago thinking to myself, "There will never be another carseat there. He won't ever have anyone to look at." I have been waiting since Bubba was 11 months old to see another carseat in my car....and now I do. It might sound silly thinking about carseats in the car...but it was a constant, heavy reminder of my littles not here. I hated looking back at little Bub all alone wondering if I could ever have another healthy child, someone for him, someone for him to love, someone to be there for him when J and I could no longer. This is heavy huh?

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I never forget it. I say my prayers that day for all the Moms or not yet Moms and think of them looking in their own rearview mirrors. Before Baby Jack (our first loss at 18 weeks), I thought life was perfect...I could have babies, I would have a lot...It's what we wanted. My rearview mirror would always be crowded with little faces. And then my plans, were not the same as the Good Lord's....I'll never know why we were chosen, why they were chosen, but I do know one thing...they taught me to see the pretty things in life...even on crowded bridges, in unmoving traffic in tunnels, when I see the world through the eyes of my Bubba. He looked at his sister, the one I never thought he'd have....the same way he looked at the moon the day after we lost Jack...as if he knew, he would never be alone in the world...He has a sister, and we have a daughter. She is a gift beyond words that we aren't worthy of....I miss Baby Jack. I miss Baby Hope. I remember them everyday, every single day...and when Ladybug smiles each morning when she sees me, and Bubba hugs me before bed, I hope they know I think of them at that very moment, and wish they were here...

This week friends, please pray for Moms and Dads who have lost children, of all ages...from pregnancy, toddlers, adults...we can never know what THEY feel...but we can say a prayer that they find comfort, and pretty views in their rearview mirrors.

8 comments:

  1. Beautiful Amber! Oct 13th is also the Navy's birthday, which gave us both another blessing in our lives.....the Navy which has provided so much for so many!! It's a wonderful day and I'm so happy you shared another way for me to celebrate it. I can't wait to be looking in my own rearview....maybe when P gets home from deployment?? I really hope that The Plan is the same as mine, but I'll walk whatever path I'm asked...just hoping to be blessed like you've been!
    ~Kate

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  2. Amber that was beautiful! I just learned about October 13 last year, and it was the next day that we lost a baby. I too often think about the ones we've lost and hope they know we love them and hope to meet them someday. Then I look at our four beautiful children and think what miracles they are. I'll pray for you tomorrow!

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  3. I meant October 15th...just reread my post and saw the typo.

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  4. Hi lady! Passing on an award to you... check out my blog to claim your prize :o)

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  5. Hi there! I just came across your blog through BlogFrog and I recently went through a miscarriage with my 2nd child 2 1/2 weeks ago, so it encouraged me to know that Lord willing, I will see another carseat back there one day with my sweet Anna looking at the new baby! :) What a beautiful picture! You are a woman of strength & I thank you for this post! :)

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  6. Thank you so much! I'll be thinking of you today and will keep you in my prayers...Have faith, and HOPE....Thanks again! (headed over to see your blog now!)

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  7. Amber,,, Thank you for posting today... I enjoy reading your posts.
    I am sorry about your losses as well. What a special day we can remember our little ones.
    Looking in the rear-view mirror sure puts life in perspective doesn't it?

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  8. It really does...and I try to remember in the midst of every day chaos, when the baby is screaming, and the preschooler is running me ragged, how much I'd give to have the others here too....I really do appreciate life much more...Thanks!

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