My rearview mirror...

Today I drove home from Babies R Us and glanced back in my rearview mirror, and started crying. I've been looking in that same rearview mirror for 11 weeks now, yet today was the first day I cried. It was the prettiest sight I had ever seen...Ladybug asleep and Bubba looking at her. Whoa. The last time I remember that rushing feeling in my heart was when I drove home from the OB office a little over a year ago thinking to myself, "There will never be another carseat there. He won't ever have anyone to look at." I have been waiting since Bubba was 11 months old to see another carseat in my car....and now I do. It might sound silly thinking about carseats in the car...but it was a constant, heavy reminder of my littles not here. I hated looking back at little Bub all alone wondering if I could ever have another healthy child, someone for him, someone for him to love, someone to be there for him when J and I could no longer. This is heavy huh?

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I never forget it. I say my prayers that day for all the Moms or not yet Moms and think of them looking in their own rearview mirrors. Before Baby Jack (our first loss at 18 weeks), I thought life was perfect...I could have babies, I would have a lot...It's what we wanted. My rearview mirror would always be crowded with little faces. And then my plans, were not the same as the Good Lord's....I'll never know why we were chosen, why they were chosen, but I do know one thing...they taught me to see the pretty things in life...even on crowded bridges, in unmoving traffic in tunnels, when I see the world through the eyes of my Bubba. He looked at his sister, the one I never thought he'd have....the same way he looked at the moon the day after we lost Jack...as if he knew, he would never be alone in the world...He has a sister, and we have a daughter. She is a gift beyond words that we aren't worthy of....I miss Baby Jack. I miss Baby Hope. I remember them everyday, every single day...and when Ladybug smiles each morning when she sees me, and Bubba hugs me before bed, I hope they know I think of them at that very moment, and wish they were here...

This week friends, please pray for Moms and Dads who have lost children, of all ages...from pregnancy, toddlers, adults...we can never know what THEY feel...but we can say a prayer that they find comfort, and pretty views in their rearview mirrors.