Friday, November 6, 2009

There was always a reason...even if I hated every minute of it....

Wow. I don't know where to start. Today after a much needed shopping trip with 2 amazing friends, I dropped my bags in the door and set Ladybug's carseat down. I sent Bubba to the computer, yes he is 3 and now uses a computer...I took the receipts and coupons out of my wallet, and "they" fell out. What is "they" you ask? I keep something extra special in my wallet and always have. I have a tiny silver heart with the name "Jack" on it, and a tiny silver circle with the name "Hope". I smiled and picked them up and tucked them right back in. Wherever I go, I take my 2 living children and secretly (now not secretly) I take the others as well. Often times I will reach in my wallet for change and see those. They bring a smile to my face and make me remember.

For those of you reading who don't know...between Bubba and Ladybug we lost 2 babies during pregnancy. One at 18 weeks (John Isaac) and one at 10 weeks (Hope). I didn't know until after their losses that I had a blood clotting disorder MTHFR, and an inability to process Folic Acid and B vitamins. The doctors were fairly certain that those factors killed our babies. Once I was tested and found out what I had, I took baby aspirin and medication that broke those vitamins down for me. I hated knowing in those following days, weeks, and months that those 5 pills I took a day could have saved our babies lives. Life would have been very different.

I came to terms only after the diagnosis. Prior to it I kept imagining all the things I did that maybe killed those babies. Was it the X-ray I got at the dentist, although I told them I thought I was pregnant and they took extra precautions, or did I fall and forget, lift Bubba too much...what could I have done? I wanted to blame ME, because it would have been so much easier. I wanted to say, I did this...I am so so very sorry. I wanted a reason. I needed a reason. Many women will never find a reason. And MY reason, did give me some glimmer of hope (a reason we named our baby that). Because, there was in fact something WRONG with me. I could be FIXED....and our babies weren't lost just because.

Once we found out that I had the genetic mutation, MTHFR, we did research and saw multiple specialists. I was told that I had received one copy of the genetic mutation from one of my parents. Oftentimes with only one gene people have no issues, like my pregnancy with Bubba. We still do not know how we carried him to term. (I do like to think that the Good Lord above knows that my greatest fear in life was that I would not be able to have children. I used to tell my mom all the time "I think I am going to have trouble having babies". She said I was "crazy" and "not to worry, she had babies just fine".) I would never have made it through if I hadn't already had one beautiful, healthy child. Imagine my shock and sadness after 2 losses.

But in my case, MTHFR was causing problems. The doctors informed me that I should have my parents and siblings tested because IF they had it as well, (of course ONE of them had to) then they may need medication as well. My mother was tested. She had 2 very healthy pregnancies with my sister and I....and we found out...she has TWO copies of the gene and gave me one. TWO....most women with two never carry to term without help....

And today I got a phone call. My dear 16 year old niece was also tested. She has one copy. My sister is waiting on her results but there is a HUGE chance my niece got the gene from my sister and not her father...We all have it. All of us. My sister has had 2 healthy beautiful girls. My mother, the same. I had problems with it....When I found out my mother had it as well I cried. I told her, "Mom, I don't want this to sound horrible but in a way, I am glad you have it. Maybe my babies saved our lives. Maybe we would have had problems with clotting down the road. I am glad we found an answer." Today I thought, oh wow and I cried. My little babies may have saved my niece the agony our family felt when we lost Jack and Hope...maybe their tiny little souls continue to save lives. And maybe you are reading this now and have suffered loss as well. There are many blood clotting disorders that can cause many problems in pregnancy. The Hope is that there is medicine for some...

Maybe YOU are reading this and finding comfort in someone else's story. I lost both babies in the state of Georgia, where 2 losses is not considered a problem. You must have 3 before you are considered chronic. I jumped the state line to Florida and was tested there after 2....and we found an answer. 10 days after we lost Baby Hope I was diagnosed and given medication. 3 months later I was pregnant with Ladybug. For each day of the 38 weeks I was pregnant I took medication and wondered on which day would my baby die. I had one scare and remember sitting on the cold December pavement on my driveway and begging God, "Please, not this one...not this baby too." And I took each day as it came. My relationship with God grew. I can tell you this, for the past 2 years I have not prayed a single WORD to the Lord. I never know what to say. For the babies we lost made me feel even more unworthy. I do not say "words" but I allow God into my heart all day, throughout and I know he hears my thoughts...I never have words for him...I can't ever find the right is as if there aren't any that could come close to how thankful I am...for everything I have been through. Ladybug learned to laugh today. And I learned that another family member may now have a healthier future because of my little ones' sacrifice....

I hated every minute of it...but there was a reason. And for everyone out there looking for THEIR reason, there is one...even if you never find it. The Good Lord above knows it. You don't have to "tell" him anything. Allow him into your heart and he will guide you...Rainy days bring the prettiest flowers. I know. I have one. And her name, the one I call "Ladybug" is Jolee.


  1. Thank you for posting this.

    Before I had the Bug, I had seven seperate m/c's -- all before twelve weeks. Then last year, we miraculously got pregnant with no problems. The doctors were baffled and we kept waiting for problems to arise, but they never did. It wasn't until after my son was born in August that it was figured out as a blood issue.

    I will admit, I quit talking to God too. And now, I know that everything happens for a reason and it worked out the way it should have.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog. And yes, we are getting sleep... much to our surprise! Our little man started sleeping six hours a night from the time we brought him home and that has only doubled. Still quite shocking to me that it has been this easy... perhaps a little TOO easy LOL

    Have a great weekend!

  2. *Hugs*.... I remember how it was for you. I have no words for ya, IRL bud... just hugs.

  3. comments aren't taking.

    Anyway...You. Are. Amazing. Ladybug & Bubba have an amazing mama to look up to.

  4. Beautifully written. I'm so sorry for your losses. But I'm glad that you have 2 beautiful living babies, and memories or 2 angels.