Monday, September 12, 2011


Life is really crazy lately. I plan on doing a "Day in the Life of" post soon but honestly my day is so full that it is kinda scary for me to actually write out what our day is like! So I'm going to note a few things that are filling my time and mind lately just so I can keep a record of it.

This has been a hectic month for me. So many changes and so much on my mind. I spend my days so busy that at the end of the day I worry that I didn't hold Thea enough, that I scolded Jolee too many times, and that I didn't spend enough one on one time helping James learn some things. I struggle in my mind to find a balance for myself and each kid. I need to get on the treadmill and do my C25K, I need to make lunches, oh shoot, Jolee is waiting on the potty for help etc. etc. I manage to get it all done and sleep from 12am to 6am every night. Thank the Good Lord that Thea sleeps straight for those hours!

I struggle wondering how much of my day should I devote to working with James? I have 2 other children who want my attention too. I wonder how they'll fare in life if I am always so worried about making James function normally. I stress so much about that and wonder if receiving his diagnosis was not such a good thing for us. I mean, before we knew he needed help but there was never a clear cut reason why. Now there is and I feel that it is entirely my job to help him. I forget that for 6 hours a day at school, there are 3 or more people helping when he comes home I am making him talk to me, look at me, asking questions...sometimes maybe I am too much for him...When I take a step back I think "Should I just let him be a kid? Let him be him?" I don't want to miss an opportunity to help him, yet I don't want to be overbearing so he cannot enjoy my time with him or his little life. AH! I wish there were answers!

And because Thea is such an angel baby I feel like I neglect her. She had a slight flattened spot on her head and I panicked that it was because I wasn't holding her I made Jarrod hold her for 2 hours while watching football! I am a mess. 3 kids is more work than I ever imagined.

I have been working on the treadmill and find that my mind is racing while I am there wishing I could be doing more things with the kids or around the house but knowing I need to lose some weight and have made this an additional priority. It gives me time to think...although I should not be stressing so much! I find myself contemplating being finished having children. Maybe 3 is enough? Maybe we cannot handle any more. Now that James will need additional help in life, are we really done? Ah, breathe.

I watch Thea's eye contact and remember how great James' eye contact was...Will I know this time too if she is ok? And why do I say that? Ok? James is ok!

Then I sit around and wish I could volunteer our family for a research study with a geneticist...It seems pretty clear cut to me although most doctors disagree with me....

I have MTHFR. I didn't know this with James....He is on the Autism scale.
I have MTHFR. I didn't know this with my second pregnancy. John Isaac. Baby Jack passed away at 18 weeks.
I have MTHFR. I didn't know this with my third pregnancy. Baby Hope. Baby Hope passed away at 10 weeks.
I have MTHFR. I knew this with my fourth pregnancy and took extra medication. Jolee Ruth was born healty.
I have MTHFR. I knew this with my fifth pregnancy and took extra medication. Thea Hope was born healthy, and so far, is meeting her milestones normally.

Do YOU see a pattern? Why don't the Dr's? Why is it so hard to see that this might not be coincidence?

I cannot process folate at all. I need it broken down. Folate aids in brain development. Is it really that difficult or costly to figure this out.

I see a pattern and wish that highly educated Dr's would spend some time figuring it out. I spend my time looking things up so I can help my child, and maybe another out there......

But then again, I don't want to be the spokesperson for MTHFR. I don't want to be the spokesperson for Autism or Autism Spectrum Disorders. I just want to be a good Mom. I just want to relax.....I just want another cup of coffee to do it all.

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