The one with all the judgment...

I read 2 posts on facebook today that truly hit home...Basically, Moms judge. I try not to, I really do. I will laugh at another mother sweating in the grocery store only because it was me yesterday. Kids flailing, throwing meat out of the cart...it is me, all the flippin time. I try not to judge, I really do....I am not a fan of cry it out, so when I hear Moms say they let their kids cry for an hour, that kinda freaks me out. I don't say, so and so is a terrible Mother because she lets her kids cry....but if I babysat them, I just couldn't, I'd pick them up. But that is really the extent of my judging...and up until recently I always felt judged and wondered what people thought of me, my kids, my parenting, my house, my clothes, my weight...etc... One day I left James' summer camp, with him in his carseat crying, myself in tears, and Jolee crying with us for no reason. Then it hit me, my kids love me. I love my kids more than life itself. Why am I trying to be perfect? Why am I taking a super attached 4 year old to a camp he isn't ready for? Why? Wouldn't we all just be happier at home in pj's baking cookies, and watching yet another Baby Einstein dvd while building blocks? What was I thinking?

So I went home, stopped crying, put both kids in the bathtub and sang to them. For lunch we made chicken nuggets out of a bag and ate apples...on the floor of the living room, watching Baby McDonald. And they both smiled and James said "Mom, this is a great picnic."

I walked into the kitchen and cried. I cried for the worry of the past 4 years. I cried because I thought I really have been missing out enjoying LIFE, while worrying about mothering. James doesn't need camp because some stupid speech pathologist thought nature camp might help his language progression. James needed a picnic with Mommy.

So guess what? I want tonight, to write out a ton of what I used to think were my MOM FLAWS. Now I think they are my Mom badges. My kids rarely cry, and if they do it is because it is bedtime and the fun has to stop. They give me more kisses and hugs than a person could even fathom. If I dare go to the store without them, they watch me leave out the sliding glass door, and wave to me as I pull back in the driveway. They truly love me. THEY LOVE ME. I am doing "it" right. I finally get it.

So,

-On most days, I don't get dressed until after 2pm...I shower at night, but if I am not going anywhere, why would I stress about what to wear. Yoga pants and tanks are perfect!

-Jolee uses a bottle 3 times a day at 15 months old. It's cute. She also uses a paci ALL DARN DAY! She likes it and talks a ton, so go ahead paci girl. (You can let it go at 2, or give it to a new sibling)

-Both kids take their silk blankets all over God's creation. Grocery shopping, to the farm, playdates etc....

-James is still in a 5 pt carseat and will be until he outgrows it. Jolee will ride rear facing until age 3 or whenever her tiny butt hits 35 pounds (Maybe age 9 at this rate). I think it's safer and don't care about broken legs, but internal decapitation instead.

-I am not sending my kids to school. I will homeschool them...for a ton of reasons that only matter to J and I.

-I won't defend the "socialization" crap. It's pointless.

-I don't breastfeed my kids. It hurt so bad when I tried with James. I hated the feeling and hated feeding time. So I feed them chemical formula and thank the Lord for Nestle Good Start.

-I cancelled all things language/speech related with James. It was a nightmare. I understand him, he understands us, and if I have to wait until Jolee teaches him how to speak properly I will.

-I rarely mop my floors. I vacuum a TON, but goodness I hate mopping. I will swiffer wet jet sometimes, but I hate mopping.

- We are not spankers and never will be. We don't so much as swat hands. Time outs work for us and if they don't one day, we will implement something new. But I won't ever spank my unruly children.

-I'm never paying for college for my kids. I don't care if we are billionaires. We're not paying. No one paid for us and if you don't watch your hard earned money go to University blah blah blah, you won't appreciate your education Gaz kids.

-And I am probably not buying/giving you a car either. So just don't ask.

-And cell phones...you're not getting them either...until you can pay for them yourselves.

-I don't vaccinate my kids until they are older babies/toddlers. And I don't ever give the flu shot, or the swine, or the equine or whatever the heck else there is...I hate vaccines but know some are necessary.

-I feed organic baby food, if it is cheap (like here in Vermont), otherwise you are eating the pesticide filled stuff.

-And you're not wearing organic clothing because I bathe you in Aveeno or Johnson and Johnson. Those are laced with chemicals so why try to cover the chemicals in organic clothing?

-I have safety crap all over the house. I will keep it all up until the last baby is like 7. I constantly think you kids are going to kill yourselves on something so the baby safe crap helps me a little.

-I read Ok, Star, People, Us weekly and all that other junk you see in line at Walms. I like it.

-I watch The Duggars, but also Jersey Shore. I do. I like Snooki.

-I watch Real Housewives too.

-My kids eat candy, hot dogs, fries, but also veggies, fish and salad. I give them sugar because I think it's ok.

-We read like 15 books a day, but we also watch quite a bit of kiddie movies. We like Baby Einstein, Thomas, Disney Pixar and a bunch of other stuff!

-I leave the tv on a lot...Mostly it is Fox News because I am way too right-winged...but that stupid thing is always on.

-We drive a huge SUV that I am sure leaves a GIANT DINOSAUR size carbon footprint. I don't care really because I don't believe in global warming.

-I potty train when my kids are good and ready. I did have a 35 pound 3 years, 2 months child at the playground in a pullup. When he was ready a month later, he ditched all things pullup in a week, even at night. Jolee seems interested now, so maybe she'll be quicker?

And there are a MILLION other things about me as a person and a Mom that would make some people cringe....But the 2 littles in the picture above think I'm great. And since they are really all that matters...I should get back to our fruit snacks and dvds.....

Footie jammies, freezing temps, and frost!

It's that cold here. We have had a few 30 degree nights and it is in the low 50s during the day....chilly! I am so thrilled with the weather here and wish Vermont were our permanent home. James, Jolee, and I go outside everyday after nap and the kids just run run run! Jolee loves picking the last of the cherry tomatoes from the garden (everything else has been raked over and prepared for next Spring), collecting rocks and apples with James, and playing in the playhouse. James is a master on the swings and loves playing "Three Little Pigs". Of course I get to take on the role of Big Bad Wolf. We also have a budding soccer star in Jolee, mini Mia....she loves kicking the soccer ball around the yard and rarely picks up the ball (unlike James)...His idea of sports is taking the ball and running and hiding with it. Hide and seek is a new love as well...When I search for him, he cracks up so I have to pretend I don't hear him! Too cute! He loves dressing up as a pirate, a fireman, a farmer and a doctor....Some days he is Amos from Fox and the Hound and some days he is Fireman Sam....ya never know. He is so imaginative it cracks me up.

When something was on the heating element of the dishwasher he told me, "Mom, what's that smell?" I told him what it was and he said "Mom, it's ok, I be a fireman, I jus' need some water," and proceeded to grab a throw blanket and use it as a hose! If someone gets hurt, mainly Jolee or myself, he tells us "It's ok Mom/Jolee, you be ok, I a doctor, I fix it and make it all better."....So many aspirations for a 4 year old, haha!

J and J have their first photo shoot tomorrow in Montpelier. I good friend, who makes Jolee's tutus is a photographer and taking some fall shots for us! I cannot wait to see how they turn out and will be armed with plenty of bribes (pez candy, lollipops etc...)

James and I are learning some things about homeschooling, which is fun....I am learning that quite a few tactics I thought would work, totally DO NOT. haha...It really is a job that I am taking on, but I know totally worth it. One curriculum I bought isn't necessarily the best fit or James, but I can tell will work wonders with Jolee....it is story/reading based and while he loves reading, he needs more hands on activities....so I tweaked it some and am saving some of the reading for Kindergarten. Social skills and emotional skills are what we are working most on....He is way ahead in counting, shapes, colors and I don't want to jinx myself but phonics. He is reading lots of 3 letter words by sounding them out and even has quite a few sight words memorized. He now asks me what each word in a book spells...so I am now going to sit back and let the reading happen naturally for a bit and work more on life skills. We need inside voice help (haha, so do I!), listening skills, obeying other adults, sitting quietly for longer than 5 seconds, and the like! haha....I can't really doing any of those so he is pretty much screwed ;) My kids are loud because I am loud. I can't very well say "Please use your inside voice" and then scream at the dog to stop barking...So they are pretty much going to be socially awkward not because they are homeschooled, but because I am socially awkward and their mother. And since I am laying it out there, they are going to be annoyingly quirky. I had to have clothes fit a certain way, bows in my hair a certain way, and I still to this day have a million quirks like that. We're loud and quirky. I think I should change my blog name to that....

Did I mention it's cold here? It is...so I need a pumpkin spice coffee, but no matter what I do, I can't make mine taste like the Dunkin Donuts one. And we don't have pumpkin spice creamer in my grocery store....What does a girl do?

A full night of sleep....

I finally got one! Jolee and I have kinda been coming back from colds so it was sooooo amazing to actually have to wake her up this morning to get out of the house for Storytime! She is even napping right now as I sip my first cup of coffee for the day!

I did want to finally update a bit on the kiddos and life in chilly Vermont! I can't believe that we are already having 30 degree nights! I am trying to conserve the propane before the winter hits but do break down and run the heat at night. There is only so many blanket sleepers and covers I can keep the kids under! Vermont is gorgeous. I think my heart will secretly always long to be here. I love it. My kids are so happy here and so are J and I. We walk to our neighbors farm to pet some sheep and get eggs from the hens. James is so carefree here! He has developed an almost unhealthy obsession with all things farm. I don't know if trains have the number one spot in his life anymore! Can you believe it? So this year, it's all farm. He even wears a farm hat and calls himself "Farmer Jed" at times! (Farmer Jed is a character in a few of our books)....

Homeschool is coming along well, although we don't stress too much about it. Even kindergarten will be a bit lax here....James knows most of what is taught in kindergarten so we are working more on life skills like listening, obeying, proper tone in different situations, personal space, chores, telling time, counting, and those sorts of things. He has come very close to closing the gap with his speech delay. We are no longer getting help for it and he is rapidly improving. We don't notice much of a difference between him and his friends/other littles. He does talk a ton more than most kids so we are working on getting him to slow down and let others speak...but heck, I am still working on that for myself!

Jolee is a tiny firecracker! She is a world different than James was and is. She has an attitude like you wouldn't believe, yet she is a snuggly little Mama's girl. She loves music, rocking with Mama, being carried in a sling, strolling, her sleep-time baba's, her pacis, and all things girly. She loves wearing the shoes of everyone in the house! Her tutu collection has grown to 4, and she twirls away in them! I can't believe how well she sits at times for me to read to her, to do her hair, or just allow me to hold her. I never got that with Jamesie! Off the top of my head she says, Mama, Dada, Baba, Up, down, ow-side, Dah! (James), dog, dog (we have 2), yum, ball, uhs sat? (what's that?) and I am sure a few more. She is very vocal and doesn't babble as much as James did, but is trying to make words for things! Too fun!. She loves taking her Cabbage Patch doll on walks around the house in its stroller...and often takes the baby out by the hair, kisses its mouth, and tosses it aside to run faster with the stroller! Love it!

We had family in town and visited an amazing Vermont working farm. I will definitely be getting a membership next year for our family. There was sooooo much to do, and it was very hands-on for kiddos! Had a ball.

Jarrod is well into his master's degree and working very hard at it. He has gotten all A's, but spends a ton of time on schoolwork. I can't wait to see him graduate in the summer! He is also still loving his job here and I am sure will miss it when our time is up. We have been attending a lovely church since May and have developed quite a few great friendships. We are very involved at church and even sponsor ROTC students on Sundays. It is fun to bring a group of kids back to eat, watch football, and let them call home, sleep, and just get away. I am so glad that our church families know the importance of that for college students. Jarrod took advantage of that at the Naval Academy too!

We spend our weekends keeping warm, watching a TON of football thanks to the NFL ticket, and just enjoying lots of family time! I need to posts some pictures on here soon but never can find the time! Hope everyone is well, and getting ready for fall! We sure are in it here!

I'm about as crazy as they come...

I am just going to go out on a limb and say it....I barely sleep through one night a week and we actually have a Dr.'s appt planned for preconception counseling. You heard it. We want another baby. None of it makes sense. I just knew, every time I wanted to "try" for a baby, that THAT was the right time...and I feel it again...and of course, Jarrod is on board...Having a baby to him, is just another thing we do round these parts, haha! Kidding....but yeah, it makes no sense....I barely function now because Jolee is beyond high maintenance...but we thrive on chaos, always have.....so why start trying to make life easy now right?

I need advice though...and I guess since this is my blog I can be up front and tell you what kind of advice I want and the kind that makes me cringe that I will never listen to....I need advice on how to help my 4 year old son stay in his bed all night. He goes to bed ok, but he used to go to bed and stay asleep amazingly! Now, not so much...the scaries seem to have entered his mind. He rarely watches anything but educational shows but for some reason he is "scared of the dark" and "scared of monsters"...I've tried a lot of things and he is starting to go down fine on his own but there are some nights where he panics and I have to lay with him until he falls asleep....I would suffer through that if he stayed asleep but why on earth is he getting up EVERY night at 2-3am? Literally EVERY night for months...I need to get it to stop because we are starting to plan for baby 3 and I cannot suffer through newborn/2 year old/4 year old night drama!

I am more of an attachment parent though...so cry it out advice, don't give it....I don't let my children cry for very long....and I don't lock kids in rooms, or add barriers to keep them in their rooms because James often goes potty at night and I don't want to have him having accidents. I like comforting, nuturing, caring methods...those are the only ones I will try....So maybe there are no tips for people like me then huh? ;) We have a great routine and our nighttime routine is very structured but I just can't get him to STAY asleep! Any ideas?

I wish I had a real life homeschool friend.

I need someone to share my joys with now, and maybe troubles or frustrations later. We are only 2 days in and I am sooooo happy with our decision to take this on. I don't know who is going to learn more, me or the kids....It's so fun to actually see what their faces look like when they "get" something. Listening to James retell me a story he learned (one without pictures) is just amazing. Watching the "ah-ha" moments....and getting to lay on the couch with silky (yes, silky blanket is still a major part of his life) and read our first bible story about creation...hearing James say "God made the sky and called it heaven, and the sheep and the rats Mom"....And cracking up that yes indeed God made the rats but really, have you ever even seen a rat? haha....

Fun fun. I never really knew how much James really has absorbed these 4 years, but it is all coming out so clearly now and I feel so blessed to be providing this for him. I have no idea what each day will bring, but that is also fun. Yesterday we got an earlier start and things did not go so well. After we waited a few hours for James to get some energy out, he breezed through our activities for the day. So today, we started later and had such a great time! Like Mama, James is not a morning person. And we get to save an activity for Daddy to teach at bedtime, which is even better! Daddy gets in on school too! Love it, so much!

So on the agenda for the fall (once school here starts), we have storytime at the Library, preschool gym, homeschool ice skating, hockey and potentially karate for some discipline training.....but for now we are diving into our school curriculum early to start next summer early....and to get an idea of how well this will work! Stay tuned for the ups and downs of homeschool pre-k!

A killer among us...well, just me.

Jolee Ruth....good golly if I survive her toddler years, it will in fact make headline news. 13 months old tomorrow, but I feel as if I've known her all my life. 19 pounds of energy that storms through the house creating major chaos. How can such a tiny, beautiful, blonde bundle of love make me want to run outside clutching my chest hoping someone drives by and takes me away? HAHAHA....that was a fake laugh. I am afraid of her. She might, just might, actually kill me one day.

It could be her incredibly sharp fingernails that grow long overnight slashing my face, or her super(tiny)human clenching fists ripping apart my neck, or she might bash her head into my face one too many times. She really is going to kill me. And I really am afraid of her. ;)

If this is already happening at 12 months and 30 days, what the heck am I going to do at age 2? Age 12? and seriously, How could I ever make it out of age 16? I don't think I can. I would chalk it up to her being "aggressive" if it happened to anyone else. But at a park with a bunch of other tots, she will lovingly hold onto and rub my leg. She will hold her hands up and say "Mama, puh" (up)...she won't dare touch any other child...She occassionally pushes her back into James, and once or twice has struck Jarrod, but Me? Come on, it's a daily thing...I get smacked, squeezed, pinched, and even laughed at, every single darn day.

I should have just asked the Dr. to put her back in when she came out screaming (with a cord wrapped twice around her neck)...how did she even get a scream out? If I didn't ask then, I most surely should have asked as the TWO nurses tried to pry her tiny little hand off her cord. I saw that death grip then...Should have known.

My Mom laughs when I call her saying "Mom, this girl is going to kill me." She thinks it hilarious when I walk out of the room and she hears Jolee scream for me. "Ma! Ma!"...She thinks it's cute. I was a raging lunatic of a baby, but I loved my Mother. I would scream for her because I always had to be near her....so in that sense, Jolee is definitely "her mother's child"...but I think her intentions are a BIT different.

And I wonder how cute my Mom will think it is when she sees me on a clip on the news laying on the floor with a phone in my hand and Jolee standing over my lifeless body? Cute Mom?

I will win this battle one day though....When some handsome young gentleman comes to us asking for her hand in marriage, I will be the first to say "Of course you can marry my daughter", all the while thinking, "Now I'll watch for that clip of YOU on the news buddy."