Friday, August 19, 2011

My dearest James,

This letter is hard for me to write...not because of what I have to tell you, but because of how much I love you. I could never begin to tell you how much I truly adore you. You  are perfect and you are mine. You were the single greatest gift I had ever received from God. You made me a Mother and that is the greatest thing I will ever be. Your Mother. I am honored to have been chosen by God to carry YOU. You belong in our family.We were chosen for YOU.

For the past 5.5 years I always knew you were special. You are so adorable, with your amazingly gorgeous blue eyes. Everyone still stops me to tell me how pretty your eyes are. But what they don't know, is what your eyes see. I hope at the beginning of each day, and when you go to bed at night that you see me and Daddy and the love in our eyes. You are special have talents and abilities that surpass your short little 5 years. You remember more than I ever could. You remember times, dates, smells, sounds, places and people. It fascinates me. You are the smartest child I have ever met. You knew your numbers, letters, and letter sounds before you were 3. You are off the charts when it comes to intelligence. I hope one day I learn half of what you know. Will you teach me those things one day?

If I promise to teach you what I know, will you do the same for me? Will you tell me what YOU see?

You are the most affectionate child I have also met. You give big, huge, loving hugs. Each time Daddy and I leave you you ask for a "kiss, hug, and a high five". It's our thing Buddy. I hope it is always our thing.

You are best big brother Jolee and Thea could have. You kiss them, hug them, talk to them, share with them, and do your best to care for them. I am so proud of the little man you have become.You watch out for danger for yourself and for your sisters and I always know that I can count on you for that.

So what I need to tell you Buddy, is that I love you. I will always love you. And you are perfectly made by God, for our family. But you have something different about you....Mommy always knew, always. And I loved you for it. But now, or one day soon we have to explain some things to you to help you a little bit in life.

Your brain works a bit different than Mommy's and Daddy's and Jolee's. You brain takes a special route when it finds things out. Your brain for some reason is different and it is so cool. It makes you smarter and faster than Mama. Doctors call people with special brains just like yours, Autistic. More specifically your brain has something called a bunch of letters. Maybe you'll remember these letters, PDD-NOS. It just means that your brain works differently, and that makes you special. Some people have trouble reading things the right way, their brains are special too. Doctors call that Dyslexia. Some people walk different, or talk different and that makes them special too.

Some things may be harder for you to learn. But remember how easy learning to read was? Remember how easy learning to potty train was? And count? And run and jump? Those things were a piece of cake for you remember?

Well for some people those things were hard to learn.

Because your brain is extra special, Mommy and Daddy have some hard work ahead of them! You, my sweet boy, don't have to do a thing different in life! We are just going to have to teach you a lot about people. We have to teach you about other people's feelings, wants, desires, and needs. Your brain for some silly reason overlooks that. We just have to try harder to teach you some what the doctor calls "social skills". We'll have to teach you how to make a lot of friends, what to say to them, and how to be nice to them just like you are to Mommy, Daddy, Jolee, and Thea.

We'll do it Buddy, we will work so hard. That is our life long promise to you. Mommy and Daddy will do all the work for you. Please don't worry about a thing!

Mommy has always known how special you are. Because you are headed to school soon, I took you to see those 5 Doctors. You remember them right? You had such a great time playing with them and they loved you! They told me how great of a job I have done with you. We could have had someone come to our home all these years but the Doctors said that no one could have done a better job than what Daddy and Mommy have.They even told Mommy she should become a Special Education teacher to help kids like you! Because of you, I might one day be able to help other kiddos!

You are headed to Kindergarten soon! You are super smart and totally ready. You'll always go to school with everyone else and you should rarely need help. Some times the teacher might help you make friends, or ask you to join in small groups with other kids. Sometimes your brain will tell you to hang out alone, but don't be afraid to meet new people! Always be kind to others just as you are to your family. Friends are a great thing to have! Mommy and Daddy will work extra hard to make sure no matter where we live, that we find little kids to be friends with you! Friends are so fun. I know you remember Jack, you still talk about him sometimes. He was your very first friend and his Mommy is one of my best friends! You love your cousin Kadey and your sisters and have so much fun with them! I can't wait to see who you meet in Kindergarten too!

Mommy is embracing this new knowledge. I've always known that you needed some extra love and I have done my best to give you that...but I will tell you this Buddy....I can't let you ever use this as a crutch in life. You have to follow the same rules as your sisters. There is no get out of jail free pass for you my Bub. Mommy and Daddy are tough, and we believe that you'll need that in life. Your brain is super cool...but you can never use that to get away with something. You have to fit into this giant world full of interesting people. The world is not always friendly but you still have to learn to fit in. No matter how hard it is James, you can do it. We won't allow you to settle for anything less than what you deserve in life.

To Mommy and Daddy, you do not have a disability. You do not have a disorder. You have a brain that works differently. Just as if you walked different than others, we would teach you to walk. If you read different than others, we would teach you to read....You live in a home with high expectations. We expect good things from you and your sisters. The rules are the same, and always will be. We will work hard to help you in every way...but we won't let you be a jerk. We will not allow you to be rude or misbehave. It's tough here Buddy. But you can do it! So can Jolee and Thea. You will all make it in this world. We are sure of it...

Sometimes the world is a tough at home, we might be tougher on you than most parents. We are bound and determined that you WILL succeed in everything you do.You are smart, loving and full of potential. You can use the knowledge of your brain working differently to make a better life for yourself...Mommy doesn't have your memory, your pace, or even your drive. I wish I did! So we are going to make sure that you use those things to your advantage in life.

People aren't always going to be nice, or understanding. Not to Mommy, Daddy, Jolee, Thea and you. A lot of people are jerks...but don't ever let that get in your way of succeeding.

You are PERFECT! Perfectly made by God. Perfectly made to be just you. God has never, ever, ever, ever made a mistake, and he never will. He doesn't make mediocre work. He is Perfection and only makes that. And God loves each and every thing about YOU and the way YOU work. To think any less of yourself or how you were made is to think less of God's work, and you will never do that James.

Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back. And there again, a few more times......
You take up a giant part of my heart and make me so proud to be your mother....

Love always,


  1. Beautifully written Amber. James is lucky to have you as a mother and you are totally right, God never makes a mistake and James is made perfectly in His eyes.

  2. Oh my gosh've brought tears to my eyes! What a wonderful letter. I hope you print it out and save a copy for James to read over and over whenever he's having a difficult day! My dad's "thing" was to write us a letter on our 10th birthday. Even now, and especially now that he's gone, I still pull out that letter to remind me that everything will be ok! You are such an inspirational mother and James (and the girls too) are so lucky you're their mommy! I'm so glad you have the positive outlook with this new will help James see the whole process as an adventure and he'll be a better person for it all!! Good job and BRAVO!!!!

  3. Amber, you are the true definition of what a good mom is, and you are a role model for me. Wonderful letter, and I agree, God doesn't make mistakes.